Friday, August 24, 2018

Struggle Puggle

I always am appreciative when other people share snippets of their struggles on social media. Not because I wish struggling on people, but because it reminds me that the perfect lives as seen through Instagram squares are actually real lives involving real people, and like it or not, all real people have struggles.

Sometimes I get tired of the sugar-coating of struggles. I know, keep on the sunny side. I know, it could be worse. I know, be grateful for all you do have. All good reminders. But sometimes I have to wonder, don't you people ever just want to throw in the towel? Don't you ever pass under a dark cloud that really DOESN'T have a silver lining? Even if it's just a twenty-minute pity party spent in your bathroom before mustering up your courage to plaster on a smile and continue making the best of it?

So, here's my little pity party.

I'm feeling lately like I just cannot get ahead. I'm wondering if I should enroll the kids in regular school. I'm unable to fathom how other moms, through the magic of spreadsheets and coupons (both foreign languages to me... especially the spreadsheets *shudder*) are able to keep to a $12/month grocery budget and never experience hunger pains. I don't know how other people afford school supplies lists. I don't know how other people successfully homeschool dozens of children into adulthood, when I can't even figure out how to manage four little kids. House cleaning, money management, multiple extracurricular activities.... how are other moms not lying on the sidewalks all over town crying and giving up?! And some of them even have their own jobs! HOW DO THEY HANDLE LIFE. I NEED TO KNOW ALL THE SECRETS.

Here are some things I'm good at:

-Singing
-Watching caterpillars
-Admiring flowers
-Walking fast
-Talking a lot

Here are some things I'm not so good at:

-Everything that actually matters

That's the truth! I'm not even good at separating my laundry loads. I'm constantly getting stainy stuff in the wrong piles, and my whites are always grey. I literally have no understanding of time or money (ask my husband!) and every week when Anja makes it to the door of her ballet school, I consider it a small miracle. And if we get back home from dropping her off and have remembered to shut the door to keep the dog from running away, that's a big miracle.

I am an incapable adult.

Usually I'm okay with this. I mean, I have been living with myself for enough years that I've pretty much accepted who I am. But sometimes when I open my eyes and see that the rest of the world is running differently, I view the traits that make me who I am as nothing but a list of failures and shortcomings.

And then I have a pity party, but after the party I have to DO something, you know?

So, if this happens to you, what do you do about it? Do you surround yourself with capable people and take note, then try to change yourself? Do you constantly try to better yourself?  Or do you just shrug and continue on with your self-acceptance with a live and let live attitude? Do you drive out the gloomies with a little splurge of retail therapy or self-care? Do you take a little vacation? Do you search Zillow for cave real estate in Kentucky or Spain and check your bank account for affordability, and then sink lower into your depression because you'll never be able to afford to buy a cave in Spain, even though you already knew that because that's the way you handled things last time you were feeling glum?

Today is Friday. I'm going to begin by wearing a favorite outfit and trying to have a really good homeschool day (will include watching caterpillars.) And then for the weekend perhaps I will sew. Something for myself and something for each girl. That would be a loving thing that takes some responsibility and commitment, right? I think that is what I will do.

But of course I'm open to all suggestions, and I'm DEFINITELY open to any affordable cave real estate anyone knows of in Kentucky or Spain. If nothing else, I hope my little pity party here has been an uplifting read for someone else who might be thinking that all the social media lives look perfect and sunshiney.

Happy weekend, everyone!

1 comment:

  1. Homeschooling my 8 year old and my 6 year old while my 4 year old sings at the top of her lungs (possibly on a counter top...maybe swinging from a door frame) while the two year old dumps packs of TruLime drink mix on the floor and plays in it like the awesome sandy stuff it is and add a 2 month old screaming for milk...yeah - we basically homeschool off and on all.damn.day. I’m drained today. The above all happened this morning. A wasp was in our kitchen so we had to move to our living room. Evie (6) needed help and at the same time James (8) started asking me questions. The radio was playing folk music which normally I find calming, but the crying baby, two kids throwing questions at me and repeating them over and over because I wasn’t responding quick enough, Maggie singing loudly, and Gus playing in the sweet stevia, sugar sand of amazingness...System Overload. I lost it for a few minutes. Yelled. Locked myself in the bathroom to calm the efffffff down...Yesterday - Maggie repeatedly said crap after I used it. Gus repeated ‘stinking hell diaper’ more times than I thought possible. Winning Motherhood.

    We all have these ‘I suck at life!’ moments. Part of the reason I deleted FB and Instagram was I was constantly comparing my life to those perfect squares and feeling really very horrible all the time. You have to remember that as long as we keep trying. Keep getting up and dusting ourselves off - we’re doing ok. We just finished school (I threw in the towel on a few subjects for the day - I had lost him already. He wouldn’t have learned anything other than momma is a slave driver...) and it’s almost 2pm. We started at 9am. We’ll pick it back up tomorrow. Because we have to keep on keeping on.

    Try not to let the negative voices get you down. Ignore them. Breathe. Try again.

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